Heart To Heart

Good communication between spouses can strengthen the bonds of intimacy.

Once upon a time a woman went to see an attorney about a divorce. The attorney asked, “What are your grounds?” She responded, “About an acre and a half down by the river.” The attorney asked, “Does your husband beat you up?” She responded, “No, I get up before he does every morning.” Exasperated, the attorney asked, “Why do you want a divorce?” She responded, “We just can’t communicate.”

Men and women today are notorious for their inability to communicate with one another, and the stereotype is the subject of party jokes and comic strips. It’s not very funny, however, when you’re caught in a marriage marred by communication problems. “When a couple comes in for marriage counseling, 80 percent of the time communication is the problem”, says Dr. Philip Yates, a Jacksonville psychologist specializing in divorce issues and stepfamilies. “Nevertheless, almost all marital differences can be worked out.”

Discussing Practical Matters

Two basic types of communication test a relationship. Couples who can discuss both practical matters and feelings will pass the test and grow closer. Practical matters include questions like, “Will you be home for dinner tonight?” “Who’s picking up Suzie from ballet?” “Would you stop by the cleaners for me?” Such conversations enable people to work together.

Couples who forget to discuss the nuts and bolts of daily living find their lives are disrupted, and they start quarreling. “People engage in crystal-ball thinking,” Yates says. “They assume they know what their partner is thinking.”

Discussing practical matters can prevent misunderstandings. Couples should discuss their plans each day, even if they think their schedule will not affect anyone but themselves. “I took $1,000 out of our checking account,” may prevent overdraft. “I’m taking Jenna’s class on a field trip Friday,” may keep your spouse from scheduling the car for repairs that day. “We’ve been invited over to the Andersons this weekend,” should prevent a scheduling conflict with the Williams.

“Most people are thinking the things their spouse wants them to say, but they don’t verbalize them,” says Sandra K. Powell, a Baymeadows social worker. “They have to make a commitment to speak up instead of keeping things inside.”

Discussing Feelings

The second type of communication necessary for a solid marriage is the ability to discuss feelings. Discussing each day’s experiences will help when it’s time to discuss feelings because life’s experiences determine how you feel. If you share those experiences with your spouse as they occur, he or she will better understand why you feel the way you do.

For example, a secretary came home from work devastated because she lost her job. “It’s all because of Doreen,” she sobbed to her husband. “Do you remember when I told her I hated my job? She told the boss. Then he started to blame me for everything. Do you remember that package that was lost last May? Do you remember the VIP mix-up?”

In a strong marriage, both partners keep up with the other partner’s life. When your partner needs someone to understand, you will be indispensable because you have been a trustworthy confidant before.

Not sharing feelings can be hazardous to a marriage. Some couples make the mistake of assuming they already know how their spouse feels. Yates tells of the businessman who wants to bring a colleague home for dinner. Rather than asking his wife, “Would it be all right if I invite Mr. Banks over Friday?” he assumes his wife doesn’t want company. Then he starts to resent her because she won’t cook for his boss. Couples who discuss their feelings, rather than assume they know how their partner feels, may be pleasantly surprised.

Talking about how you feel creates intimacy in a relationship. When you know each other intimately you feel closer to each other than to anyone else. Couples who feel secure in their relationship have spent long hours sharing feelings.

Encourage Feelings Talk

A discussion of feelings may not occur naturally, particularly if one partner is withdrawn. “To have a successful marriage you must be open so you can share anything,” Powell says. “If you have a friend who is quiet, you probably try different techniques to bring him or her out. In a marriage, you can do the same thing.”

To really communicate feelings you must spend time alone together. A romantic restaurant is not the best place to encourage feelings talk. Although no one may be listening to your conversation, if you decide to scream or cry others will notice. This will inhibit you from opening up and truly discussing your feelings.

When you’re alone together, don’t fill your schedule with activities. You don’t want to limit how long you can talk. Make sure you have enough time to relax. You will be delighted at the secrets you begin to share.

Find a place that’s comfortable. A room with carpet and warm colors is more relaxing than a kitchen or an office. Sometimes the most intimate conversations begin at bedtime. “Pillow talk” is uninhibited. You are comfortable, it’s dark and sometimes it’s easier to express sensitive feelings when no one can see your face, (the same reason a letter is a good way to express feelings that are hard to say in person).

If you and your spouse need a good heart-to-heart talk, make an effort to get in bed before you’re exhausted. Rather than crashing as soon as your head hits the pillow, you will think and talk.

When You’re Talking

Once you find yourselves alone together, in the mood to talk, you will want to make sure the experience is pleasant and doesn’t turn into a fight. Both the person talking and the person listening can help make communication effective.

“When communicating your own feelings, make sure you’re expressing them as your own feelings and not telling your spouse how he or she feels,” Powell says. Rather than saying, “You insulted me in public.” You might say, “I felt like I was being degraded.”

“Stay away from accusatory sentences and qualifiers such as never and always,” Yates says. “Don’t be the family historian, recalling the shortcomings of everybody around you. Be very situation specific.”

When You’re Listening

Just listen; don’t judge. Your goal is to find out more about one another, not to tell each other how to feel. Show your spouse you are listening with appropriate feedback. One method of feedback is repeating what he or she said in a questioning tone. If your spouse says, “Today was a perfect day,” rather than saying, “Come one, no day is perfect,” you can respond, “A perfect day?” You want your spouse to keep talking, not to clam up or become discouraged because you don’t understand. Responses that are uncommitted will encourage even the reluctant communicator to open up.

The cement in a relationship is made of little things: the comfort of sharing your innermost thoughts without fear of ridicule; the comfort that someone knows how you feel, knows your likes, dislikes and preference and loves you just the same.

Those of you who want your relationship to last will discover that sharing feelings will bond you together like mortar between bricks. The adage “The better you know someone, the more you love them,” can prove true for you.